From the AP:"Today the White House released it's gloomiest forecast ever for the U.S. Economy. President Obama said in his 3rd official press conference, "We need to pass this bill, and pass it fast. The time for thinking is over, dickering is a luxury of past decadent generations, the time for instant action is now!...This [crisis] is going to be so big that they'll change the name of the economic contraction in the 1930's to the "Teeny Weeny Depression" in comparison. Things are so bad, and circumstances so urgent, that we are threatening to nationalize the stock market, increase the taxes on Roth IRA accounts retroactively, and build a bridge to the moon to stimulate and stabilize our economy." From Mr. Obama's speech:
The previous administration squandered all of its scaremongering on terrorist threats that even at their highest only killed .001% of the population. While the Bush administration was sowing fear and xenophobia, it should have been minding the economy, which was going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
We've implemented a new warning system for the economy which we will announce daily. Here is it's meaning:
Green: All is well, the author of Hope is running the show, and picking only green saints to steer the economy.
Blue: Lock your doors when you leave the house. Don't give your credit cards to strangers.
Yellow: Buy assault rifles 'cause this is only headed in one direction
Orange: If your blood pressure is low then you should be diagnosed with dementia and kicked off of Medicaid because you obviously know nothing about the severity of the situation.
Red: All hard drives fail. Email and the Internet cease to function, and without immediate assistance FaceBook will go belly-up and lose it's entire photo archive.
When asked why his prediction of the economy was so sour Obama replied, "I think one of my economic advisers...was it Geithner? No. Rahm? No. Summers? Hell. How many economists do I have??? Ha ha. Whatever the case, it's because "I won."
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